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Thursday, June 16, 2011
4:54 AM | Posted by Amani | | Edit Post
A lot of times I look back on certain things; people, family, drama, other events in my life that would make me go "fuck this". A lot of people tend to know me as a direct, "cutting ends loose" type of person when it comes to dealing with things, and a lot of times I'll often dead the issue, and keep it that way. I also tend to hold grudges, and follow "an elephant never forgets".
But there are moments like these when I think back to how I think sometimes, and try to mentally mold my usual thought processes for the future so that I'd be more positive when it comes to myself. Then later on I'll look to that improvement, and realize how little progress I've really made.
I try to be dismissive about a lot of things nowadays, but some things still tend to linger in my mind when I happen to come across it. Spirits are always there to linger, to catch me off-guard and to wreck my mood and throw me off course.
I forgot if I mentioned this before, but in the middle of my non-social period earlier this year, I was told (in regards to the church) to "grow a thick skin". Not even in a lighthearted tone, but in terms of when issues arise, when gossip is spoken and things are said behind your back. In other words, 'deal with it, it's not going anywhere', despite the fact that it is said to not let yourself continue to have something against a person, and to resolve any sort of issue that comes up.
Sure, I shouldn't listen to what is said, but why should I conform to that certain way? Why am I supposed to desensitize myself when that is my exact issue? Why should I taint my image of certain things because of others, when surely there is purity somewhere?
That is part of my current goal when it comes to my faith and receiving the Holy Ghost-- breaking myself down so I can be built back up, to turn my heart back to flesh from stone, to be able to breathe without the heaviness of discord.
Besides~ if I don't let go of the baggage, then I would never really stand out from the pool of those who decide to keep themselves in negativity.