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Sunday, December 4, 2011


Already Christmas season is upon us...

A part of me wishes it was gone already, another part of me feeds off the nostalgia. Maybe that's been keeping me sane for the past 2 weeks.. I'm just hoping I'll last the rest of the year with it.

It's good to fill yourself with as many happy thoughts as possible around this time. Not only is this the 'jolliest' time of year, it's also one of the most stressful and depressing time. Once November rolled in, all at once I've been hearing about more and more suicide attempts, friends having seen someone jump in front of a train or jump off buildings...

Everyone expects a 'perfect Christmas' or holiday season for themselves... whether it has to do with family, romance, etc... I, too, have my own vision of the perfect Christmas for 2011. But at the same time you can't help but feel pressure from others and their expectations. A lot of people dislike Christmas because of how commercialized it has become, but at the end of the day, it is what it is, yknow?

I think it's best to level yourself and remember that nothing is perfect, and that most of the time, imperfections tend to make everything more unique. It's nice to hope for something special but I can never be truly expectant for improbable things to occur. Whatever I end up getting, whatever ends up happening, is a blessing either way.

By the very end of October, I had found a new job, and since then I've been working. Thankfully, it's been less work compared to my old job and more pay. But even then, it's stressful... I wrecked myself and overdrafted my bank account for the first time this past week, and it pretty much ruined my mood about everything. A chunk of my paycheck, down the drain... right in time for Christmas. I have to hold off on spending until my next paycheck right before Christmas, and it's extremely difficult. I had my own ideas on what to give my family and close friends but now that I'm in a pinch I don't know if half of those things are really gonna happen.

Fortunately I've been getting more hours and I'm looking forward to my next paycheck and hoping that would solve a lot. Otherwise I think I might just make baked goods for Christmas for everyone-- macarons, pies, or whatever I can think up last minute that would make someone feel good. I may not be able to sew, or knit, or make something that would last, but at least my sweets would leave people feeling good, even if for a little while.

Overall, this year I'm favoring personal time over presents. I'm at a point where I'd rather people give me money than gifts because I really don't know what I'd want that people can get, and I don't want them wasting money on something that I would never use.. now that I'm able to support myself in terms of 'wants' I don't feel the need to beg like when I was a child.. the only thing I really want for Christmas is a passport so I can finally travel when I want (hopefully 2012!).

Otherwise I'd rather be around the people that I love this time. My family may be a bit dysfunctional at times, and my close friends may be crazy, but I'm glad that we're on one accord, that I have trust in them and vice versa, that we're not bent on materialistic needs when we have each other.


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