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Monday, April 18, 2011

Holy Week Day 1, pt. 1: Putting things into your own hands when others are doing their own...

So I went from a social fast, to an actual fast. LOL. Now only one meal a day, plus I'm going to start forcing myself only 8 hours of leisure activity (Facebook, pretty much every site except for my online school stuff, video games, etc.) so I can concentrate on prayer, bible study, and the tons of homework that I haven't done yet e_e

I pretty much decided this after talking an awful lot about Christians basically not doing what they're supposed to, being hypocritical, etc. First with my friend from the loli comm, who runs her blog Black Witch on AfroPunk. (Ironic that I can touch and agree with a pagan witch more than I could most of the youth in my church). Then I found out that Janelle Monae (one of my current main inspirations) was spirit filled, and that made her an inspiration to me on a completely different and higher level.

Then, the afternoon service I went to really spoke to me. It was honoring the First Lady of this other church, and Mother Jones (first lady of my home church) spoke about being an vessel of honor. And when that service ended, another pastor friend of mine came to me, at first with his usual joyful and silly attitude, suddenly went serious and asked me how I was doing, and he gave me words of encouragement as well. And after that, I was speaking to my friend on the way home about the church youth, and he was telling me things that were going on that really irritated me. I went off and after a moment or so I told him that I was going to fast this week, push myself to finish what I need to finish with school, and tarry to get the holy ghost, I'm praying for by Easter.

Prepare for ranting below.

When it comes down to it, I don't get no real support from peers when it comes to me getting the holy ghost. Most peers would be like "lol get it together Amber" rather than really be open and available to listen and support me. To top it off, while they show that ~little~ bit of support, they'd rather assume things about me rather than actually find the truth in things and correctly discern people's motives. Sadly it's not even me either, as far as I know they talk about another girl as well. Meanwhile the people that they talk crap with are the people who actually do the things that we're accused of doing. Ridiculous, right? Like are you guys really that blind?

There are people that I can confide in... but at the same time, they're all busy with work and everything, and I feel like I'm just being bothersome. This feeling of helplessness have been building up for the past 8 months, and it was always giving me a great deal of stress. Like I'm really trying, but because you some of you guys are spirit-filled, you can do whatever you wish despite that obviously not being the right way? I feel bad for not fully trusting those who I KNOW I can actually trust but because of the others I can't help but be cautious and protect myself. There's nothing that feels worse than trusting in someone, just for them to prove themselves not worthy of that trust.

Then of course... things related to issues, such as homosexuality. I'm just gonna keep this point short and simple. There were two things I was told by one dude at my church:
"I'm homophobic, that's something you're gonna have to deal with it."
"If God doesn't like them, then I don't like them either."

Every time I think about this, it makes me rage so hard. But my point for this type of bullshit: The Bible may say that God considers homosexuality an abomination, but as far as I see? there's no place in the bible where it says he -hates- homosexuals as PEOPLE, and there is nowhere that excuses you to be a fucking bigot, especially in God's name.

Half the time I keep my mouth shut for the most part about these things, but I'm more than positive that one day one day I'll blow up about these issues. Because they're so ridiculous, unwarranted, and detrimental to the growth of the church. It's crazy that I'm more concerned about the group than I am myself, me being one of the only who aren't filled with the Holy Spirit yet, but everyone else acts like there's no wrong in what they're doing, how they're going about things.

I'm pretty tired of feeling helpless and not having people listen to me when I'm in need of help. I'm tired of not being spirit-filled, not having that ticket to my salvation. I'm tired of feeling that I probably don't have much of a voice compared to others because I'm not spirit-filled, and seeing them continue to act flawed with a "flawless" attitude. I want change in myself so I can change things in other areas for the better.

sjhnsdhsbd shdb js shb djshb djshdshjdhs I'm done xD


Amani said...

Man oh man--- first of all, however someone behaves in church, or even in the streets, you can never truly know exactly who is or isn't spirit-filled. Who's to say that by your striving SO hard to be filled with spirit, that you are not already? :] (Not that extra work, and/or keeping up the work is ever a bad thing.)

I dunno': it's always good to strive to better yourself through whatever means: God or college or eating right or all of the above, but it sounds like you're putting a certain quantitative twist on your journey to discipleship. I feel like that's more quantitative, and that you can do as much or as little as you plan to do, but you never know when it'll hit you that you ARE filled with the Holy Spirit. It could be this week, it could be in a month-- it could be any time. <

*shrug* Meh. I don't remember what I was trying to really say, but I guess I just felt like you were putting a, like, checklist to being spirit-filled, and putting those who are 'there' on a higher pedestal just want you to KNOW you're close, and that just by trying this hard, you're all the closer. :3

/raised Methodist.

Amani said...

Well with Apostolic faith, the minimal evidence is speaking in tongues. So I'm supposed to tarry for the holy ghost until I get it. As far as actual tarrying though, it's difficult for me to do that, whether it's by myself or with my mentor or other missionaries. I've always had this difficulty in concentration solely on Christ, and always let other people's talking or outside thoughts get into my head while I pray and I could never build the momentum.

The night I was baptized, which was about 1 1/2 years ago, was probably the time where I -almost- got it, where I felt I was closest to getting it, but then last minute I stopped myself. So I've always sort of beat myself over it, but I'm not trying to do that anymore. I'm gonna GET DIS = W= if it kills me

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