.Amani

.Amani
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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Now what...?

I'm finding myself in the middle of a "post-travel depression" at the moment.
Guyana was good as last time, as expected, though much more intense both in a physical and spiritual sense. I kept catching headaches from heat and exhaustion from working so much and not keeping myself dehydrated.. and then out of nowhere I caught a really bad flu near the end of the trip. I flew in Monday afternoon and since then I've been sitting around doing nothing, staring at my walls, playing video games here and there, trying to slowly unpack my suitcase and stuff.. I can't do much since I just got back and of course I won't be getting a check this week because of it.

Now I'm in a position where I don't really know what I want to do next. Or rather, where to even begin. As soon as I got on that plane I couldn't even reminisce on the past two weeks, because my brain immediately went "I need to find another job." "I need to finish drafting this business plan." "I need to start doing this thing and that thing." Trying to make mental lists in my head about every exact step I need or want to take in the next few months. I'd usually make lists of my goals for the future, but this year I felt like I was so lost for some reason.

I sort of lost direction in the beginning of the year because I was so drained from working at Harry Potter, plus struggling for like 3 months with the bronchitis and whatnot, and I've still yet to visit my doctor about further steps with my bad knee. I have a blank canvas that's been sitting outside my room for almost 2-3 months now because of that artist's block when you first start some work...

My grandmother's health is in a questionable state and I'm a bit paranoid that she might not have long to live. (Mainly because she's getting into her whole "WHEN I DIE/AM GONE AND BLAH" modes like Omi.. I really don't want to hear that crap, 'kay thanks). I really want to just indulge on fashion like I usually do but I know I have to abstain and actually start making decisions and ACTIONS as far as work and career and finding my passion.

Why is my biological clock going off .____. I keep feeling like I'm 24 nearing 25, rather than 23 years old. I don't want a youth-life crisis. I don't want to start going crazy trying to have a big career and a husband and a kid in a nice house/apartment by the time I hit 30 years old. lol life can you just not
Thursday, August 1, 2013

Updates before I leave!

Guyana is finally around the corner. In 36 hours I will be on that flight on my way to Cheddi-Jagan Airport~

I can't help but feel really under-prepared for what is waiting for us down there. This time around the preparation was very short but very studious... and I haven't managed to put everything in my memory bank yet. I really hope I don't derp out because we'll be a lot more than just services and class workshops. I might even end up doing altar call work because of the lack of trained altar call missionaries this time around.

This time around the A/V (audio/video, not Adult Video ya nastyiknowyouwerethinkingit) ministry is not bringing down the church's video camera like last time... so this time we're going to just work with my two Canon point-and-shoot cameras. I'm really hoping we'll have enough memory to record all the services, since we're going to be working with only about 36-50GB worth all combined.. for 9-10 days worth of footage. That, or I'm hoping I can somehow, HOPEFULLY be able to come in contact with a computer and transfer files to my external hard drive.


That being said, I cannot wait for the fooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
Guyanese people put a whole bunch of sodium into their food but it's so good. Their meat is organic, their mango fruit taste like pure sugar... even the sodas are made from sugar and not corn syrup, and it's a totally different taste. All the food is made fresh from scratch... I cannot wait for the porridge in the morning, the saltfish for lunch, and then the curry chicken and roti for dinner time...and the coconuts.. Lord please... I just... sjkdahskhvw

I realize I didn't take nearly enough photos for the second half of the time, so I'm gonna try to make effort this time. I might reserve one of my smaller memory cards for all the photos.


The only current issue for me at the moment is packing my suitcase. Oh boy...

I also got to run to the store tomorrow to get mosquito repellent, some essential oils that help repel bugs as well, and if I cannot find my flashlight, I'll need to get a new one as well e e really sucks.. I probably have other things to get, which I'm sure I'll regret if I don't remember what they are. It's that last minute crunch that's killing me right now...


My giveaway is still going on for another two weeks, it ending on the week after I return, so you still have time to get extra entries in. 

I have a video coming up too, which I hope to finish for my lover Shaka to post before I head off, so my activity tomorrow will probably be 0.



A very small preview.

 But definitely look forward to it. I might also buy a pair of circle lenses right before I leave so I'll have something new when I get back c: Later on I plan to probably make a compilation vid of different moments from this summer. Not too many videos, and it'll probably be chopped up, but I hope to do it anyways. Also a summer coord video or blog post of my favorite outfits I mixed and matched over this season that pretty much kept me cute and comfortable the whole time.

Other than that, August will be pretty slow since I have a birthday/going-away/baby shower party to go to as soon as I get back, job searching, and then a wedding at the end of the month to attend. Regardless I hope to bring my entries up to date..

There have been more than enough times where I had to tell someone off. Anyone who have known me for a long time, especially in the lolita community, have known this about me, haha. Those same people have also seen a gradual change in me over the years.

In 2007-2008 I was very... what's the word... is there even a word to describe the level I was on as far as actions are concerned? Probably not. I was very active at that time in drama communities like old LJ lolita_wank and later the newer version getoffegl. The foolishness that would make its way onto these forums were nothing less than hilarious majority of the time. Because I was very brash most of the time I remember being head-to-head with some of the more infamous (and sadly) real life trolls that would appear. Even going into 2009-2010, while I stopped going off as much, I was still very much known for telling people off when they were in the wrong, getting into very heated debates regarding topics like "lifestyle", what have you.

On old gyaru forums, e.x. Ricoche (hahaha if you used to be on there, shout out xD), I used to repeatedly go off on "gyaru" people for stupid opinions, or things that were really idiotic that they tried to push on other people, or when certain members would have their little fanclubs gang up on individuals because they didn't agree with them. Once I got into it with a lot of them, they usually did a huge amount of flouncing because they were mainly not true (to themselves and other people) and could not handle the reaction they would get for the same amount of cattiness they would initially give.

But like any 'generational' group of people, those who used to do so much back then eventually mellowed out, became less trigger-happy, became less interested in the latest retard that would pop up, and reserved themselves for more serious topics and what have you. I think it was the end of 2011 when I completely stopped looking at drama forums, ____secrets, even as far as keeping myself up to date with what goes on in the community. The Gyaru community back then, I felt was really crippled and there was no use in connecting with stupid people. (Now that those of us who have been in it for a while have mellowed out, I actually talk to an awful lot of 'oldheads' who I used to communicate with, good or bad. That and now that there's more diversity as far as different countries, or the showcasing of different people's personal lifestyles through blogs and whatnot, I have a little bit of a greater appreciation for it.)

That point in time was really crucial for me style-wise, because I was concentrating a lot on myself, as far as working, or school, and I think back then I might've -just- started going to church or something, but there was a lot of improvement or maturing from then to now. When I first got into gyaru, I didn't use makeup at all-- so during this kind of social 'break' period I found a makeup style I was satisfied with, gotten more familiar with hair and styling, and I started shifting my wardrobe to be more evened out (between lolita, gyaru-workable stuff, and now more casual things for modest occasions). I also pushed myself to meet people that inspired me career-wise, lifestyle-wise, musically...

Because of my break, nowadays I cannot be bothered by people's bullcock. It actually takes a lot for me to really go off on someone, like a long history of stupidity that gets continually worse. Besides that, I just simply give input if it is asked for, I post my own photos here and there and that's it.. I am very corrective, when I give people advice or constructive criticism, I do not sugarcoat anything I say, but I just tell them exactly how it is. Because honestly, no one truly improves when others beat around the bush and fawn over people and not giving them the potential growth they should go for.

I have no trouble commenting and telling a person truth, especially if they go out their way to digitally edit themselves (badly, because a lot of girls really can't use these editing programs correctly) and then trying to play it off like they didn't do anything. Usually in those cases I'll question it, the person tries to defend it, I'll go 'oh ok well if that's what you say, but such and such are tell-tale signs saying otherwise. But alright.' and though at that point I just dismiss it, the original poster usually deletes the post knowing that others would realize what I had pointed out. A lot of the times though I do not even bother to comment because it's very easy for me to see people's motives when they post, especially those who only post for compliments, or for a following, or something like that. Seeing a lot of the community is now like that, I just don't try to wrap my mind around it because I know exactly where it would lead. Especially within ethnic demographic groups, sadly enough.  It's a bit annoying.


~~~~~~~

That being said, when I'm at this state of 70% not giving a damn, it's hilarious to me when salty, sickly looking girls with some sort of small following try to come at me out of the blue, and out of context of what might be going on at the time because of some old feelings they still have for me. Princess Rune would call them, "dusty cluckclucks". It's sad when people who attach names and styles to themselves (but don't reflect it at all, or make it look bad with their mediocrity) not only think they have Godship-level authority concerning a certain demographic, but think they can come at me as though their long-lived reasoning for hating was ever still relevant.

It's entertaining to me, having watched it happen with my old friend with her past situations, and Rune, being known for her old 'weeaboostories' blog, and to see some someone still have some sort of feelings towards my presence in general is hilarious, despite me not posting much but my pictures, constructive crit here and there, and not being anywhere near how I used to be. Sometimes I would discuss it with others and they would see and feel the same thing. Often we would jokingly regard them as jarred lovers who would never get over the 'bad breakup'.

Despite me not liking or getting along with people, I've learned to disregard and ignore them (whether it's a post, or their existence in general). For people to have the inability to be able to willingly -enter- a dispute and not keep their head cool-- it kind of just makes me shake my head at them. When they let the salt permeate in their blood stream to the point where they don't have the ability to be subtle when need be, or be able to argue a point without giving in to name-calling, accusations or threatening unwarranted authoritative action, and then they want to be concerned about their image being stained...

Reflecting and laughing at recent events and people's 'closing notes', I'm thankful for a developed and sound mind, being able to discern a situation, having the ability to stick to what I say, and also not create a delusion of things. People's foolishness only causes a self-fulfilling prophecy. After all, a double-minded person is unstable in all his ways...


People sure go crazy over this 'internet idolism' stuff. Fans may unanimously love and whiteknight to their hearts' desire, but fellow peers who are aware will start to see you for your idiocy.

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