.Amani

.Amani
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Monday, February 3, 2014

Personal.



I feel really terrible for leaving my blog bare for almost 2 months. I see I've been getting a bit of traffic as well. To my followers, I'm extremely sorry.

I sometimes feel the need to explain myself, but I'm not going to get too specific on what went on with me that completely halted any sort of blog activity. I have so many drafts that have been sitting but I never got to finishing...



In previous posts, I know I've talked about being sort of in the dumps for a while, especially after the summer ended. Things in my life started happening, and everything I was feeling began to 'snowball', and by December, I had reached an all-time low. Over the months I've been actually pretty active as far as friends were concerned, as well as my little odd-jobs that I was working. I tried my best to hide the suffering that was going on inside of my heart, but as I later learned, acting and trying to tell yourself you'll be okay (or some like to say, "fake it 'til you make it") does not really work when it comes to issues of the heart. I always see these stories about kids who would commit suicide and their friends and families having never suspected any warning signs, how they were 'always happy and cheerful'. Now I understand how it is. If you don't work towards fixing your heart (and a lot of your times it's your mind too), all that 'showing face', all-smiles, etc. doesn't mean anything.

The closer it got to Christmas, the more isolated I became. My thoughts became increasingly self-destructive, I became more irate when it came to things I had to get done. I dropped all my freelancing work, and pretty much most if not all holiday functions I ended up being a no-show. Despite knowing my church was the best place I could go to for help, I chose not to because I was at a point where I didn't want the help. I was at a point where I wanted to waste away. Some of my more closer friends had a feeling that I might've not been okay. My face also started breaking out really bad as well (don't be fooled by my photos), my forehead and temples were constantly sore from pimples and broken skin.




The weekend before Christmas, I had an episode. I was thinking about the events that had happened to me, and all at once I was so filled with hate and rage. It seemed to have shot up from nowhere: and not long after I started being seriously tempted to hurt myself. It was a very strange moment, and I knew it wasn't myself. Then, in the midst of this struggle, I had a full-blown anxiety attack and I didn't know how to deal with it. The most I was able to do was basically curl up in my bed and prayed I'd be able to sleep... I don't remember ever being able to calm down. I think I eventually fell to sleep from exhaustion.

Christmas itself was alright. I was surrounded by family as usual, but my sister did not come and it felt like there was a void. But overall it was good. I ended up going to church the Sunday after, which at this point I don't know if in the end if it was a good idea or not, but something had occured with a person and I was left in a complete daze. Despite there being a holiday toast and stuff going on that afternoon, I stayed away from the rest of the church body basically, and once everyone was mostly gone I had to fight what I felt was another anxiety attack or two before they became fullblown. It was very hard... Because of said personal events, I was pretty bent on not going to church for New Years Eve service, but somewhere in between that time I had a bit of an epiphany, which gave me the strength to make it out to service that night.

From NYE on, I've been on a recovery course.

I thank God and His comforting spirit for being with me and speaking to me, even when I didn't want to hear anything about myself or what the Word said concerning me. If it was not for his spirit, I don't know where I'd be. I'm sure I would've probably lost my mind. The Lord has never given up on me, even when many times I wanted to just stop breathing... I also thank God for supportive friends, who spoke life and encouragement to me, who prayed for me. Even those I don't know well, especially Danyy. Despite my rockiness in activity for Gal VIP, I really do appreciate the support system that became of the group. It was truly something I didn't really expect, but it definitely gave me a significant boost. And for my church family and my pastor, who continously prayed for me in my absence.




I'm at a place where I feel I can at least share that much. I feel that maybe I'll be able to share my full story one day, but not now. Right now I wanted to say that I'm okay now. I'll be okay.

I do have a review or two in queue, which hopefully I'll get to publishing within the next week or so. I hope you look forward to it. Sorry again!

3 comments:

Amani said...

it's good to know you reached out to your church again in the end! Good luck :)

Amani said...

Glad to hear you are on the upward journey now Amber. No worry about blog neglect (honestly I've been doing the same) because blog will still be here, but your health is most important! <3 <3

Amani said...

It's ok! I'm happy that you are feeling better and that you are planning to stay that way. Stay Strong!

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