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Saturday, October 26, 2013
12:42 AM | Posted by Amani | | Edit Post
I'm a bit ashamed of myself for having almost completely stopped with my blogging! I'm finding my life a bit hectic since coming back from Guyana.. I keep making posts about "shaking off bad feelings" and whatnot, but in all honesty, I don't know when exactly that is going to happen.
But! I wanted to say a few things about what's been going on with me:
1) If you've read my last post on my best friend Muffy, I've been spending a lot of time catching up with her. Now that she finally finished her second undergrad degree, and her daughter is finally in Pre-K, and working less hours, we've been hanging out much more often. I can't even truly call it "catching up" because we talk all the time regardless, but you know what I mean..
Also, I've been trying to not jack myself up spiritually so I can support her spiritually as she tarries for the Holy Spirit. Of course, I haven't been doing much of a good job as far as backsliding, so most of our times together are casual outings, if not being with her in church on Sundays, encouraging her, learning things with her, etc.Sometimes I really wish I could express myself when it comes to my faith, my struggles with my old habits and things of that nature, but often times I keep thinking it's inappropriate for my blog. It's really not, but... I'll probably share all of that in a future post some time soon.
2) Pretty much during the whole month of October, I've been assisting Lady M (my pastor's wife) with a lot of graphic/stationary based things, one being a very huge project for the International Women's Council for the faith organization our church is under.. this project held me back from a lot of things, being currently behind on other assignments that was supposed to be due a week ago. Yikes! Of course at the same time, I've also been trying to slip in random work for pastor for our church's website and things.
I'm pretty much appointed the church's "graphic designer" which kind of makes me feel good, but at the same time I can't help but feel under-qualified for all the praise and compliments they give me.. Honestly, everything I know is self-taught and I don't know a damn thing about "vectors" or "masks" in Photoshop, haha. I have been learning small things at a time though, like learning to make website buttons and whatnot, so only time will tell how good I'll eventually get, and how fast..
4) It was announced earlier in the month that I was selected to be one of the newer models for GAL VIP! And I'm already failing so, so hard. I honestly never realized how hard it was to "model", especially on your own, like wow. I've been sitting here with my little derpy point-and-shoot and 6 inch tall tripod trying to take outfit shots and stuff and just.. everything is not trying to work with me. I can't even.
At the conception of this magazine I was very skeptical, and negative about it's existence due to past drama-related stuff. But since the shift with the main editors and whatnot, and seeing how the models and everyone pretty much hung in there and keep doing their best, I started feeling better about them. Hopefully it'll continue to get even better. It definitely became one of the more longer-living online magazines I've seen that is catered towards a western J-fashion culture. It's also been heavily inspiring me style-wise! Hopefully I can give satisfactory content that'll help others.
Other than that, I've also been observing a lot of relations that I have with different people, and different groups. Current friends, ex-friends, "enemies" as well. There's really not much to say about anyone but I have a tendency to just note people's patterns as far as interactions with other people, body language, skills, etc. It's a strange thing, especially for those who have had a 'shift' in terms of communication and stuff. People-watching has been a bit of entertainment for me, just to observe different things and either reaffirm my overall opinion of them, or acknowledge change and growth (or the opposite, for some)
I've also noted changes in my own life as well; I've always saw myself struggling in the middle of a 'paradigm shift', you can say. Trying to break old habits, break away from people, and focusing on myself and on my responsibilities as a member of my church and also in regards to my future. I've sort of been looking back in time and seeing how my personality has changed, even the slightest little thing.. seeing how I was then vs. now as far as direction and passions: also my common issue as far as feeling or being idle, not trying to tackle my fears, and not being very consistent as far as my own path. Now I'm seeing how I act around a particular group of people, who I've been investing (and sometimes wasting time with), and who I really need to start listening to and complying with what's been sort of said to me repeatedly over the past couple of weeks.
Recent events suddenly had me thinking of the things I could've prepared for and gotten out of the way, and things I could've put research into and bring into fruition. I have so many plans but I'll admit I've always had a fear of moving forward because of the inevitable trial-and-error process, a very negative perfectionist trait of mine that's been pretty crippling for most of my life. So for a while I've been trying to examine myself and bring down that stronghold.
A part of me really wants to 'wing' everything I've had in mind, but I'm afraid of not being able to turn back if I do. "If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough." That is a quote that I've been hearing a LOT lately, or at least some variation of it. I also ended up finding this article through Google, that really points out a lot of the different kinds of fear I have. I kind of wonder if having most of that list makes my problems extraordinarily bad?
So now it's not so much that "I'm ready" to push myself, I have no choice but to. When I say it that way, it really reminds me of childbirth, an analogy that I've witnessed being used in multiple inspirational outlets like church, Youtube, etc. So I need to just get everything in motion, and pray for the best..
Speaking of 'putting things in motion', I'm looking forward to hopefully making a few videos, if not just blog posts on recent events like New York Comic Con, and even Halloween next week! Hopefully some of you will look forward to it.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
7:23 PM | Posted by Amani | | Edit Post
Sorry I haven't been updating lately! I've only just started getting out of my depressed hermit status this weekend. I'm kind of not over my negative feelings yet, but just enough to be a bit motivated to start working again. I ended up losing my HDD (hopefully somewhere in my house) and that's pretty much why I haven't went into detail about my 2nd mission trip to Guyana or anything. I also got some new things (like a new phone, which I'm typing from now!) But I'm in no real rush to make a post on it right now.
I just wanted to talk about a recent outing with my best friend, where we celebrated 9 years of friendship! It may seem a bit silly, but when you go through so much like deceiving friends, friends' deaths, and other life situations, it feels really good to recognize the length of a close friendship.
I remember we became friends on the very first day of high school~ we were both in the same Math class during period 2, and that was how we met.
Since freshman year we were inseparable; friends came and gone, drama with birdlike chicks, through my own HS love-drama b.s., and her struggles with her family and her hood in Spanish Harlem. I started dressing lolita and she was the only one who didn't reject me; when she gave birth to her daughter I was there with her. And then even more recently, me finding myself in God, and her following and seeking the same relationship with God, having been baptized a month ago during a conference revival.
I can say I never really lived life up until the point where we started hanging out. So much happened around us but we made it out of everything together. We never fought and broke our friendship. We cussed at each other, told truth to each other, cried with each other, and acted plain retarded together. We were always mistaken for sisters, cousins, and lol lesbians because we were together that much.
God has kept us through 9 years and there's been so much growth between us.. we had to recognize it.
So, we went to Gyukaku for some serious grubbing.. like 125 dollars worth of grub. LOL
A little collage of not even everything we got... that we took as we talked about other issues going on. Miso soup, sweet potato tempura sticks, shrimp dumplings, miso-bbq chicken wings.. sukiyaki bimbimbap, spinach garlic, grilled onion, and what probably ended up being a pound+ of different meats LOL and then a buttload of pina colada-mojitos and caramelized banana splits. .. yeah, it was pretty intense.
Obligatory bathroom selfies
Outfit shot~ F21, Strawberry, Rainbow's.
I would never trade my friendship with her for anything. I've had too many fakes, d*ckriders, "underlings", flaky insecure people, flame starters, you name it. I'm over most people that try to interact with me. One of the only relationships I'll truly care for is my friendship with Muffy.
My general advice on friendship?
Don't base your friendships on location or hobby or fashion. Get deeper than just that, when you know its safe to. Be able to discern people's personalities and habits and determine whether or not they're good for you, or toxic.
Always value someone who tell or receive things like it is, even if it hurts. Who aren't afraid to level you down for long-term benefits, someone who you know aren't up in people's business over trying to sort themselves out and live their life.
Be receptive to their thoughts and concerns, and criticisms. Don't be selfish about your own interests.
Together, be able to pick each other off the ground and support each other.
And be prepared to lift each other up to higher ground. Be prepared to sacrifice.
Most of all, have fun every minute of it.