.Amani

.Amani
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Saturday, October 26, 2013

What's been going on as of late... Freelance work, odd jobs, GAL VIP



I'm a bit ashamed of myself for having almost completely stopped with my blogging! I'm finding my life a bit hectic since coming back from Guyana.. I keep making posts about "shaking off bad feelings" and whatnot, but in all honesty, I don't know when exactly that is going to happen.


But! I wanted to say a few things about what's been going on with me:

1) If you've read my last post on my best friend Muffy, I've been spending a lot of time catching up with her. Now that she finally finished her second undergrad degree, and her daughter is finally in Pre-K, and working less hours, we've been hanging out much more often. I can't even truly call it "catching up" because we talk all the time regardless, but you know what I mean..

Also, I've been trying to not jack myself up spiritually so I can support her spiritually as she tarries for the Holy Spirit. Of course, I haven't been doing much of a good job as far as backsliding, so most of our times together are casual outings, if not being with her in church on Sundays, encouraging her, learning things with her, etc.Sometimes I really wish I could express myself when it comes to my faith, my struggles with my old habits and things of that nature, but often times I keep thinking it's inappropriate for my blog. It's really not, but... I'll probably share all of that in a future post some time soon.

2) Pretty much during the whole month of October, I've been assisting Lady M (my pastor's wife) with a lot of graphic/stationary based things, one being a very huge project for the International Women's Council for the faith organization our church is under.. this project held me back from a lot of things, being currently behind on other assignments that was supposed to be due a week ago. Yikes! Of course at the same time, I've also been trying to slip in random work for pastor for our church's website and things.

I'm pretty much appointed the church's "graphic designer" which kind of makes me feel good, but at the same time I can't help but feel under-qualified for all the praise and compliments they give me.. Honestly, everything I know is self-taught and I don't know a damn thing about "vectors" or "masks" in Photoshop, haha. I have been learning small things at a time though, like learning to make website buttons and whatnot, so only time will tell how good I'll eventually get, and how fast..


3) Along with those work responsibilities above, I've also been acting as an escort for one of Lady M's young nieces. She's currently a performers of the off-Broadway gospel musical "We Are!", so I've been taking her to and from Harlem. Paired with all the graphic work I have to do, the past couple of weeks have been pretty damn exhausting. I honestly don't know how this kid is doing it, either.


4) It was announced earlier in the month that I was selected to be one of the newer models for GAL VIP! And I'm already failing so, so hard. I honestly never realized how hard it was to "model", especially on your own, like wow. I've been sitting here with my little derpy point-and-shoot and 6 inch tall tripod trying to take outfit shots and stuff and just.. everything is not trying to work with me. I can't even.




At the conception of this magazine I was very skeptical, and negative about it's existence due to past drama-related stuff. But since the shift with the main editors and whatnot, and seeing how the models and everyone pretty much hung in there and keep doing their best, I started feeling better about them. Hopefully it'll continue to get even better. It definitely became one of the more longer-living online magazines I've seen that is catered towards a western J-fashion culture. It's also been heavily inspiring me style-wise! Hopefully I can give satisfactory content that'll help others.


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Other than that, I've also been observing a lot of relations that I have with different people, and different groups. Current friends, ex-friends, "enemies" as well. There's really not much to say about anyone but I have a tendency to just note people's patterns as far as interactions with other people, body language, skills, etc. It's a strange thing, especially for those who have had a 'shift' in terms of communication and stuff. People-watching has been a bit of entertainment for me, just to observe different things and either reaffirm my overall opinion of them, or acknowledge change and growth (or the opposite, for some)

I've also noted changes in my own life as well; I've always saw myself struggling in the middle of a 'paradigm shift', you can say. Trying to break old habits, break away from people, and focusing on myself and on my responsibilities as a member of my church and also in regards to my future. I've sort of been looking back in time and seeing how my personality has changed, even the slightest little thing.. seeing how I was then vs. now as far as direction and passions: also my common issue as far as feeling or being idle, not trying to tackle my fears, and not being very consistent as far as my own path. Now I'm seeing how I act around a particular group of people, who I've been investing (and sometimes wasting time with), and who I really need to start listening to and complying with what's been sort of said to me repeatedly over the past couple of weeks.

Recent events suddenly had me thinking of the things I could've prepared for and gotten out of the way, and things I could've put research into and bring into fruition. I have so many plans but I'll admit I've always had a fear of moving forward because of the inevitable trial-and-error process, a very negative perfectionist trait of mine that's been pretty crippling for most of my life. So for a while I've been trying to examine myself and bring down that stronghold.

A part of me really wants to 'wing' everything I've had in mind, but I'm afraid of not being able to turn back if I do. "If your dreams do not scare you, they are not big enough." That is a quote that I've been hearing a LOT lately, or at least some variation of it. I also ended up finding this article through Google, that really points out a lot of the different kinds of fear I have. I kind of wonder if having most of that list makes my problems extraordinarily bad?

So now it's not so much that "I'm ready" to push myself, I have no choice but to. When I say it that way, it really reminds me of childbirth, an analogy that I've witnessed being used in multiple inspirational outlets like church, Youtube, etc. So I need to just get everything in motion, and pray for the best..


Speaking of 'putting things in motion', I'm looking forward to hopefully making a few videos, if not just blog posts on recent events like New York Comic Con, and even Halloween next week! Hopefully some of you will look forward to it.

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