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Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Now what...?

I'm finding myself in the middle of a "post-travel depression" at the moment.
Guyana was good as last time, as expected, though much more intense both in a physical and spiritual sense. I kept catching headaches from heat and exhaustion from working so much and not keeping myself dehydrated.. and then out of nowhere I caught a really bad flu near the end of the trip. I flew in Monday afternoon and since then I've been sitting around doing nothing, staring at my walls, playing video games here and there, trying to slowly unpack my suitcase and stuff.. I can't do much since I just got back and of course I won't be getting a check this week because of it.

Now I'm in a position where I don't really know what I want to do next. Or rather, where to even begin. As soon as I got on that plane I couldn't even reminisce on the past two weeks, because my brain immediately went "I need to find another job." "I need to finish drafting this business plan." "I need to start doing this thing and that thing." Trying to make mental lists in my head about every exact step I need or want to take in the next few months. I'd usually make lists of my goals for the future, but this year I felt like I was so lost for some reason.

I sort of lost direction in the beginning of the year because I was so drained from working at Harry Potter, plus struggling for like 3 months with the bronchitis and whatnot, and I've still yet to visit my doctor about further steps with my bad knee. I have a blank canvas that's been sitting outside my room for almost 2-3 months now because of that artist's block when you first start some work...

My grandmother's health is in a questionable state and I'm a bit paranoid that she might not have long to live. (Mainly because she's getting into her whole "WHEN I DIE/AM GONE AND BLAH" modes like Omi.. I really don't want to hear that crap, 'kay thanks). I really want to just indulge on fashion like I usually do but I know I have to abstain and actually start making decisions and ACTIONS as far as work and career and finding my passion.

Why is my biological clock going off .____. I keep feeling like I'm 24 nearing 25, rather than 23 years old. I don't want a youth-life crisis. I don't want to start going crazy trying to have a big career and a husband and a kid in a nice house/apartment by the time I hit 30 years old. lol life can you just not


Amani said...

thats not good I´m so sorry to read that. ;( Get well soon hon!

Amani said...

Oh no, that's no fun :< Sorry you haven't been feeling well
I had a similar shift when I turned 25 tho!! It was weird and frustrating but I also feel in love with red wine.

That was unexpected but totally awesome. >w<)/

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