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Monday, June 17, 2013

Trust and Tolerance issues.

I rarely make any sort of real personal post here so I apologize to those who mainly follow me for fashion stuff...

A lot has been on my mind as of late and a lot of it deals with the eventual change of my current lifestyle.
Since I first got into lolita (I got into lolita fashion in 2006-- and then later on I started following gyaru around 2008) I have this pretty thick armor of protection around myself. When I first started the style I just ended my relationship with my father, after having grown up learning the truth of his old abusive & immature nature, and while I acted very dismissive of the situation it impacted me in a huge way. At the time I was also failing school due to a state of depression and a personal fear of moving forward in life. I sought some sort of freedom from what I felt like walls closing in on me and my interest in Japanese fashion helped me temporarily escape from that.

Since then, my interests in these fashion styles went from a crutch to actual personal growth. Before I had insecurities about myself and my looks-- eventually I grew to accept a lot of things and I also learned to improve my look, improve my posture, my body language, and my social life. Would you believe that before this I was very timid and to myself? By nature I'm an introvert and it was very hard for me to open up... but now I'm much more social. I do social events when I feel like it. I speak at panels. Over the years I've helped other people improve their style and sort of serve as a mentor to them.

At the same time, I've had my share of falling-out with people within my local community, drama in the family, drama in church, what have you and through the many experiences I went through I've learned to read people before I get to know them-- and overall I began to have a general distrust of people. Because of this it's very hard for me to really connect with others. I can hang out with people and have a good time, and I can mentor people, but when people expect for me to have an actual close personal friendship with them.. it's something I can't do. I learned that I can't and I shouldn't be friends with absolutely everyone. It was a hard lesson but I'm glad I eventually learned that.

It proved to be a handicap for me when it comes to relationships though, especially when a lot of the non-fashion drama usually involved men or people in general in my age range. I never was really someone who sought or thirsted for a relationship-- I was not even the type to really become acquainted with people that I've never been introduced to by a friend or by some sort of connection like a job or something. Just like I was very dismissive with my relationship with my dad, it was the very same with any sort of potential love interest. My last ex-boyfriend I just stopped talking to after a very stupid argument and since then I never made any effort to speak to him. Even once everything blew over, when he would talk about getting back together, or semi-joking about marriage, by that time I've officially shut myself off from any possibility of some sort of future. Same with friends with benefits and the like... I've learned to more or less keep things strictly platonic. I never try to step past boundaries and I never try to assume anything. (This ironically tends to cause problems because while I try and be as open and chill as possible, I've always had the issue of guys expecting me to assume some sort of interest. Or wait for me to make some sort of move on them so they can reciprocate those feelings. Then when it doesn't happen they get butthurt LOL)

However, I'm now at a point where I have to shed a some of these gained security measures... these defense mechanisms need to be broken down. I realize that the way I view people hinders me spiritually. I find that my tolerance for people has gone down and I've been more irate than usual, though I don't usually lash out often. Being able to see people's colors and being able to pray for them or treating them with that 'Christian love' is becoming much harder than I thought and it's because of the way that I view people from that secular viewpoint. It was a realization this weekend that I'm really not where I'm supposed to be, and that I can't even consider myself  being in a 'backsliding' position when I haven't even really moved forward at all. With that I saw that there will eventually be an endpoint to my activity on public places online (e.x. facebook groups), as well as partially in real life in my local community. A lot of my current projects are going to be very short-lived because of this.

It also affects my sense of judgement... I often doubt my interpretation skills because when something so real as love comes along, I immediately question it, question it's credibility, and question myself for believing in it/doubting it. About a month ago I had a moment with someone who I was in love with for a very long time... and it came to the point where my feelings of love were finally reciprocated. Or at least I think it was. I've thought the experience over and over.. doubted it for me 'being played'... doubted it because of many imaginary factors and I caused myself to question it. In that moment I had to question myself and my habits. The situation itself is complicated but it's 'readable', but even as straightforward as it happened I still couldn't bring myself to trust in it, I even had to ask the person later down the line if he meant what he said. I kind of want to get into detail about this story but I'll refrain from it. I think my point is made though... my epicfail love story is for another day.

It seems like such a challenge to break down walls you've spent time building on... I guess it seems a bit easier when you think of it as legos than brick and mortar.


Amani said...

I'm sorry to hear about the relationship that you had with your father and its good that you've decided to end such a toxic relationship. You're a very strong woman Amber and I understand how you're feeling. I know it can be hard to let people in especially when you're so used to being disappointed by those you trust most. I hope and pray that things will be okay and you'll be able to overcome <3

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