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Friday, March 16, 2012
I'm in the middle of one of those after-project depressions at the moment. I wasn't able to finish the Design course, even though I was granted almost a week more time. It just wasn't possible for me to finish.

A 1-month extension is another $100... that I don't have lol. And personally, I really don't want to go to my grandfather about it. I really don't want to hear what he'd say, I'm not really emotionally capable of handling much at the moment without bursting into tears.

So... I'll just wait for a while.

I've also been plagued with sad dreams and nightmares for the past week... haven't been getting much rest at all. Ever since I talked to the first Lady (of my church) about a certain situation I've been going through, I haven't been able to get a good night's rest. Every morning is woken up to depression, even the gorgeous, warm sunny days we've had. I try not to overthink things and conjure up scenarios in my mind, but they always end up happening in my dreams... and last night I woke up two or three times after a nightmare about someone trying to kill me at my home. I kept looking outside the window to see if there was a shadow watching me.

I feel like a child, with the emotions I've been feeling lately. I either feel like a child, or I feel like I'm being treated as one by others. I just hope to snap out of it soon.

In other news, I've been thinking of starting another blog that concentrates entirely on my faith-- sometimes I feel like the things I want to talk about is irrelevant to this one (lol which is weird, speaking that this is mainly a personal blog anyways), but I need a place to put my TL;DR-type thoughts. Essays and essays about Jesus. Yep.

I'm tempted to do shopping but... with Holy Week, Easter, and this Christian women's retreat coming up, I'm trying not to submit to my usual spending habits. I guess it's some type of 'fasting' right? lol
If I can I want to stretch that even farther to Pentecost. Hopefully I'll have enough money saved to try out the weight-loss stuff I've always wanted to do. I don't know.



Amani said...

Ugghhh-- I can empathize totally, Am. <33 It's like... I dunno', a vicious cycle of emotion.  Something goes sour and you beat yourself up horribly, but you're aware that if others find out, they'll needlessly heap on to that.

And THAT gets you even more frustrated-- even annoyed, which cycles back to guilt and despair and so on and so on. Ugh.

It helps to have someone to confide in-- physical or otherwise.

Of course, praying's always an option for those of faith-- such as yourself.

That classic line about you needing to forgive yourself or kind of reach past the depression is true. Time will, of course, help.  Just... think the whole situatio through-- which you've been doing already-- and eventually, it'll become more and more objective. Less painful.

In the meantime, are you working out? Because in the depths of the deepest sadness, even if I didn't want to, I'd work out. And it actually helped to improve my mood, if only briefly.

Aw, bb. I dunno'. :/ I hope you start feeling better soon~.

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